Bittersweet

Life isn’t always easy, in fact, I would argue most of the time it isn’t. Everyone goes through stuff, everyone has a story. This is a little piece of mine.

At first, I really identified with Joseph. God gave him a dream, he spoke to him in a very real way, with a word, and from a God who can’t lie, a word, or a dream means a promise. Crap happened, but Joseph never let go of his dream. How do I know? When he was in the bottom pit of a jail cell for something he didn’t do and someone said, “I had this weird dream last night…” What does Joseph say? “OMG! Don’t even mention dreams around me, I’m getting as far away from dreams as I can, it was a stupid dream that got me here in the first place!” Nope. He actually said, “You’re in luck, man, I can interpret dreams.” He wasn’t afraid of dreams, he could have let the enemy tell him, ‘You can’t interpret dreams, you fool, remember the last dream you tried to interpret? Your interpretation was totally rejected by everyone you loved. Even your father rebuked you! No one believed you! In fact, it made your brothers hate you more and turn on you, you’re here in this stinking pit because of that very dream. You should have kept your mouth shut and none of this would have ever happened.’ Hmmm…. Sound familiar? Satan may be cunning but he certainly uses the same pick up lines over the centuries. The sad part is many times we fall for it. The same old ones. So why get new ones?

No matter how ugly things got, how hopeless, how far from that dream, Joseph believed God. And guess what? His dream came to pass! And right in the face of those who had disbelieved, those who rebuked him, even hated him for what he dreamed, they all saw it come to pass. He was honored in the face of everyone who had opposed him. I’m sure Joseph didn’t know exactly how that dream was going to play out, he didn’t know the timing, or the details, but he knew the dream and he held on to it no matter what. I mean, after all, it was many years before Joseph saw his dream come to pass, and a lot of things happened to make it possible. I think one of the wisest things ever said was by Joseph himself, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…” (Genesis 50:20)

I was given a dream, too. I thought I understood it, but I guess I didn’t, because as my crap happened life threw me a couple of curve balls I wasn’t expecting, they didn’t fit into my plan, my interpretation. So should I throw away my dream completely? Maybe it wasn’t from God… No way! I know that God spoke to me way back when He gave me the dream, which was indeed rejected by many, that I would be opposed, and things would happen that I couldn’t anticipate, but hold fast, because someday my dream will be fulfilled before my eyes and they eyes of all those who rejected it from the beginning. He spoke to me about Joseph. I choose to believe Him. He has never let me down. 

Now, I’m starting to feel a little like Job. Job said, “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me”. (Job 3:25). I feel a little like Job, like my whole life has just gone up in flames. What I have feared the most has come upon me. My worst nightmare. It’s hard to cope, and sometimes I feel like giving up. Luckily… “When I tried to give up, Lord, you never gave up on me.” (Peter Furler, ‘Reach’).

God is still faithful, my father still hears me cry, and cares. It’s hard to understand what happened, and I feel like such a failure, but I know that I know that Romans 8:28 is the word of God, therefore it must be true. (“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him…” Romans 8:28). I have to believe that, and I have to hold onto it. I have to remember that He still has a plan. (“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’”) 

I am still believing your word, Lord, that no matter what happens, and no matter what the devil tried to tell me, no matter what the world says, even people I love, that your word is truth, and you are always going to be here with me. And even when I epically screw everything up, you can still redeem my mistakes, your mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23). Please forgive me for hurt that I have caused by my failure, my humanness. Please, bless those I have failed and lift them up. Please, love and heal them. Please, clean up this mess I call my life! And the mess I’ve made for others. Thank you, Father. And have mercy on me, because I desperately need it.